[senco-forum] Christmas funnies

And for those of you that you think you have Christmas sorted - I suggest
you review your preparations with Martha Stewart's Preparation plan for
Christmas.

I suspect that you will still have a few things you need  to have a
Christmas of Style such as this!

For those of you who have never heard of Martha Stewart - she is the
"Domestic Goddess" of the USA!  (Does Nigella do all this too I ask myself?)

December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down
and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record out going Christmas message for
answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4

Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Office 2000.

December 10

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collage dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in minivan tyres with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tyres are
shot out at mall.

December 17

Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height
when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a
festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain City reservoir, refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon
sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute
Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they
really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in colour-coordinated manger.