[senco-forum] Friday funnies

Ho hum, daughter's school fair this afternoon, and I'm manning the 
'splat the rat' stand.  Makes a chage from tennis.

I don't usually forward lists of things, but there are a couple of
reet groaners in this lot....have a dry weekend....

Dave

  I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on 
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
  "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

  I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave
  me a Volkswagen with no driver.

  Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and
  he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got
  china in my hand."

  I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
  'Best Before End'

  I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
  I said "No, just a watch."

  I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
  bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

  My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

  I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He 
said, "You've got cholera."

  I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
  name, it's P something T something R.

  I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
  down.

  I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
  just went on and on.

  The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
  work??  I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

  I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I 
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this 
is for the custard."

  This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
  paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

  I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
  on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
  anything."

  I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
  outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

  This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

  I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
  goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

  I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told
  me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned
  me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He
  then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The
  police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the
  road"

  I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't 
swing a cat in there.

  I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
  shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
  two counts.

  I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
  I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

  I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
  the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make 
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

   I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The 
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said, "Can I borrow 
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

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