[senco-forum] some friday funnies

Dear All,
       Some funnies - all a bit schooly I'm afraid
  Janet
  "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

  "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. 
  "You have, Your Honour," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." 
  "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

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  "I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." 
  "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. 
  "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

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  The ways to grade the final exams 
  Dept of Statistics: 
  All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. 
  Dept of Psychology: 
  Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. 
  Dept of History: 
  All students get the same grade they got last year. 
  Dept of Religion: 
  Grade is determined by God. 
  Dept of Philosophy: 
  What is a grade? 
  Law School: 
  Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. 
  Dept of Logic: 
  If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. 
  Dept of Computer Science: 
  Random number generator determines grade. 
  Music Department: 
  Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). 
  Dept of Physical Education: 
  Everybody gets an A. 

  Questions you Hope your Pupils won't Ask you 
     Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

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    You Might Be a Schoolteacher if...

   you have no time for a life from August to June.  
   you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"  
   when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.  
   you refer to adults as "boys and girls."  
   you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."  
   you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.  
   meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"  
   you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.  
   you know hundred good reasons for being late.  
   you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.