[senco-forum] Friday funnies

Dear All,
    something to lighten the mood,
  Janet

  Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mum and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
  **************************************************

  During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.

"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next term."

  "Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

  A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"

  A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

    The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

  In the frozen foods department of our local supermarket, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he ticked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child: "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

  "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the policeman said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

  Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

  Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

  From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. 

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who meant to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch at ung but got T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch at ung by mistake 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 

McBride fell 12 storeys, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. 

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at secondary schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 

  Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. 

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre. 

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot fat. 

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a film this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 MPH, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 MPH. 

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr.Pepper can. 

They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth 

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. 

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon. 