[senco-forum] Friday funnies

A couple to help us towards the weekend...

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE;

(no wonder some people were offended!) This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed In your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be

accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up' and have a nice day!

If you can read this - thank a teacher!

If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran!
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            Some real answer phone messages

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WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.
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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
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Hello, caller number nine, you're on the air.
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(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)
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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."
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Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
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I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
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Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test
1.*Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
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(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- This is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone."
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(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
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Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
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I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I Guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
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You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
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You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
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Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
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Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
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Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

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  The Burglar  A burglar breaks into a house one night. While shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he hears a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." 
  He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. 
  He again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” 
  This time he shinned his light all around the room, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, “Did you say that?” 
  The parrot said, “I'm just trying to warn you, that's all.” 
  The burglar asked, “Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?” 
  “Moses.” 
  “Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot ‘Moses’?” 
  The bird answered, “I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus’